I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
