plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
