I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
