I murdered the dance floor call the cops
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
