All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He told me they were just razor bumps!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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