i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
