At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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