He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
