so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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