i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
