Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
