remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
