i would punch a child for taco bell
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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