You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
