There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
