i think my tv is drunk
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
