There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
