ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
