oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
