Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
two words...techno handjob
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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