Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
