I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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