you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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