i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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