I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
