I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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