have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
