You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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