I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
