it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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