It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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