I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
