So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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