I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
