Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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