So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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