Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
