by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
