please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
