She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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