i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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