Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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