I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
