Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
