Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
