What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
