if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
