Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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