xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
