You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love how my cats smell like pot.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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