hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
