You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
